Pit of Voles
by Accidentally The Whole Fanfic
Summary: "After all, Pit," Palutena had told him sagely, hands steepled before her at the dinner table in that sanctimonious way she sometimes had, "give a man a book, and he'll only read for a night. Teach a man to read, and he'll eat for life!" Pit learns to read, and discovers the mind-screw that is fanfic. Cracked-out gift for Show The Cook Some Love. Rated M for Meta.


**Author's Notes:** To be honest, this is _very_ new territory for me. Probably the only thing I'm planning to write for this fandom, this was done at the request of my dear friend, **Show The Cook Some Love** , who's written some fantastic stories on here (not that I'm shamelessly plugging their work or anyth-yes I am). They brought up this particular idea to me, and it sounded so ridiculously fun that I had to give it a go.

Please note that all story titles, pen names, and plot summaries/excerpts were all made up by me. Any resemblance to existing stories/titles/pen names is entirely coincidental, and were written wholly tongue-in-cheek. Hope you enjoy it, **STCSL**! To everyone else - I hope you all like it, too! Thanks for reading, and feel free to leave a review, if you'd like!

 **Pit of Voles**

* * *

It was nothing short of amazing, to Pit, to realize how much was truly spread out before him now - right at his fingertips was more than he'd ever known he could bring into his grasp. None of the words he'd been learning recently could truly describe the feeling.

Through the glory of the internet, he was now connected to a world beyond anything he ever could have dreamed up. Or, at least, that was how Palutena made it sound when she'd set up the little flashing box and weird assortment of wires and plugs that kept them... in line? _Something like that._

"Oh, you'll love it," she'd breezily assured him the day she'd brought up the idea to him. "Pit, you just won't _believe_ all the different kinds of fun and interesting things you can find on here!"

With things calmed down for the foreseeable future, they'd been left with a fair deal of time to spare, and Palutena had suggested that perhaps it was finally time that Pit became versed in one of the long-neglected basics of life... literacy.

"After all, Pit," Palutena had told him sagely, hands steepled before her at the dinner table in that sanctimonious way she sometimes had, "give a man a book, and he'll only read for a night. Teach a man to read, and he'll eat for life!"

Pit had paused with his spoonful of ratatouille halfway to his mouth, eyebrows drawn into a befuddled twist, and his response had been a flat "What."

"Don't 'what' me, Pit. You heard what I said."

Still, he had to admit: Learning to read, while grueling at first - and certainly _much_ more dull than combat training, or actual combat, or flight, or eating, or anything that wasn't _sitting still and staring at a bunch of stupid-ass letters for minutes at a time_ \- had broadened his mind and his imagination in ways he hadn't quite expected. And sometimes in ways he hadn't quite _wanted,_ having once snuck a few books from Palutena's chambers in hopes of learning even _more._

The surprising thirst for knowledge within him had grown and grown and grown the more he'd read - and, as he'd pored in disgusted fascination over his goddess's personal store of saucy tomes, something between his legs had grown and grown and grown as well, ultimately leaving him confused, frustrated, disturbed, and reading without his shorts on. Which had made things more than a little awkward when Palutena had popped into his room to call him to dinner. And her eyes, so wide with shock and what he thought (hoped) might have been a bit of approval, had just... _lingered_ down there.

They'd had trouble looking each other in the eye for about a week after that particular incident, and Pit still got suspicious and uneasy when certain words or phrases popped up in anything else he read, now.

Deciding that a neutral source of literature and information was a far safer option for further expanding his reading skills than further exposure to her stash of filthy smut, Palutena had ultimately brought the strange, glowy-box device thing into the temple - a "compactor," or something like that - and now...

Now, the internet was at his fingertips, as soon as he opened the little program that gave him access to it. A "window," or "browser," maybe? It was all so confusing - he thought browsers were giant turtle monsters that breathed fire, and now, they had this whole other significant meaning? Stupid. Why was there so much to keep track of?! He only had one brain!

Still, it was all part of the learning process.

Pit watched the little cursor blinking in the Skyworld On-Line search box, one hand palming his chin, and the other drumming its fingers next to the keyboard, wracking his brain for ideas. He didn't really know too many other stories to look up, aside from the stuff he'd gotten from Palutena, and what Skyworld sold in its shops. The only other things he could think of were _maybe_ the human legends he'd heard about - the colorful ways humans told, retold, and altered the stories about...

...About... _them._ The gods, goddesses, angels, and other divine beings that awed the humans so much - he'd heard familiar names pop up in those tales before! And that was just a _small_ part of the world! Palutena had told him he had so much at his fingertips now, with the compactor - maybe, just maybe...

 _Give me Skyworld god goddess stories and stuff,_ the search read, right before he clicked the magnifying glass - it never hurt to be thorough, right?

The number of results was surprisingly low, Pit found - not even anywhere _close_ to a million, like he'd figured there'd be. More like ninety-thousand, if that. Maybe the humans were just scared to write about them for fear of reprisal? _Viridi,_ he thought pointedly, rolling his eyes. That, or maybe they just didn't have that many compactors down in their world. Heck, maybe humans weren't as literate as he was. Well, they didn't have as much time to learn, either...

Humming as he surveyed the results, he let out a delighted gasp as he saw his and Palutena's names, clicking eagerly on the link and letting the page load. People wrote about them! _Cool!_

 _Vore Ice Cream Gives You Hell,_ read the title on Skywriters-dot-skw - written by one _xXxKawaii-Hell-Kami-Shade-ChanxXx_ , however _that_ was pronounced. _Pit has got a big appetite, and not even Palutena can sate it. NC-17. Lemon. Pitcest. Trigger warning: Vore. Plz r/r!_

Pit couldn't make heads or tails of some of the strange lingo he read, but he chuckled appreciatively at the mention of his massive appetite. He sure _was_ a big eater! Though, the word "vore" in particular confused him - it sounded familiar, but _how?_ Maybe it was one of the various monsters he'd taken out in his adventures? Palutena would probably know... but how proud (and maybe turned on) would she be if he learned something like this all on his own? "Trigger warning" probably just meant it was a story about him shooting down one of these "vores" and asking Palutena if she could cook it for him, or something. That sounded pretty cool! A story about his heroics sounded like just the thing to get him started!

He scrolled down slowly, mouthing the words to himself as he skimmed through the choppy sentences and poorly-spelled words - _Gosh, humans are so cute!_ \- and took in the strange tale. The writer seemed to think that Pit (who the author constantly called "Pitty-Pat" and "Pitty-Poo") was some sort of terrifying, hungry he-beast, and that Lady Palutena (who seemed to be getting called "Pretty Palutena" a _lot_ ) was his abused slave trying forever to satisfy him. He frowned at this, rolling his eyes - where in the _world_ had _that_ idea come from? Oh, well - things got pretty twisted when humans passed stories around, anyw-

 _WHAT THE CRAP,_ his brain suddenly screamed as he got to a particularly disturbing part. _YOU STOP THAT RIGHT THIS SECOND._ Why was he _eating_ Palutena in this story?! And eating her _whole,_ and _alive?!_ Why was he _doing_ that to her?! Where did _anyone_ get the idea that he'd do that?! And she was kicking around in his belly, and-

"The _fuck_ is this?!" he spewed out all of a sudden as he sprang to his feet, fighting back the urge to flip the desk the compactor sat upon, and briefly cringing in horror at his language - had Lady Palutena overheard him? He'd _really_ be in for it, then...

"...Everything okay in there, Pit?"

Pit froze, feeling a shiver run all the way through his body to the tips of his wings, and he chuckled nervously. "Y-yeah, Lady Palutena! Sorry! I just... saw a big, gross bug just now, is all! Uhh," he added quickly, hoping she wouldn't come in and offer to kill it, "already got him, though! It's all good in here! ...Honest!"

There was a very pregnant pause, before Palutena finally answered: "Alright, then. Just keep it down in there, okay? I've got to catch up on some research." It didn't quite sound like she believed him, but at least she didn't pry, or tease him - like she normally might.

"S-sure thing, Lady Palutena!" Pit responded, still shaken and clammy despite how easily he'd gotten off. His skin was pale, and he gingerly sat back down in the squeaky leather chair, pushing back to the middle of the room and spinning around while staring up at the ceiling. Maybe if he got dizzy enough, he'd forget all about the... the _that._

Taking a few deep breaths to calm himself down, he came to a stop and faced the compactor once more. It was okay. It was okay. After all, humans made up... _strange_ stuff sometimes - why, the crazy things he'd heard about Zeus! (Though, he couldn't quite understand why Palutena would clear her throat and quickly change the subject whenever _that_ topic came up.) Never mind the notions that Hades wasn't _really_ a bad guy. Pit loved the humans that he protected, but they sure were naive sometimes.

Swallowing his revulsion, Pit quickly backed out of that particular story, eyeing the next one down with more than a little caution.

 _Jungle Fever_ by _Itty Bitty Pitty-Patootie._ Now that was a little creepy, but... jungles were pretty cool! _Pit falls sick, and goes to Viridi for a good natural cure. But what happens when he realizes he's LOVE sick - for her!_

"...Umm."

Lip curled in disgusted confusion, Pit scrolled on past. Viridi wasn't exactly the absolute _worst_ person he'd ever met - she had her good qualities, sometimes, and Medusa and Hades were certainly far worse - but... she was still _pretty_ dang rude, and the whole "kill the awful humans" deal was quite unappealing to Pit's interests. What exactly had this particular human _heard_ about those two to even draw such a conclusion? _Must've been pretty wild, hahaha! Ha... hm?_ Well, _this_ was interesting - there were even stories about Pittoo! It wasn't like he was necessarily an unknown entity or anything, but it surprised Pit nonetheless.

 _Pit Falls_ by ~ _Super Viridi Sama Bros~._ Pit raised an eyebrow at this - it _had_ to have been a human who worshipped her and wanted to honor her name. At least, he _hoped_ that's what it was. The alternative worried him a little bit.

 _Dark Pit's always secretly admired Pit form afar-_ Pit smirked in smug triumph at this, _-but he always been to scared to admit it. Still, what's more important? Love, or pride? First fanfic, Pitcest -_ there was that odd word again - _don't like it don't read it. No flames! k!_

He wasn't sure how anyone could burn _these_ stories, since they didn't seem to be constructed like normal books and scrolls, but maybe burning the compactor would hurt them? _Man, I've still got_ so _much to learn..._

Though the mention of "love" made him a bit wary, Pit shrugged and clicked anyway - there _were_ different kinds of love, after all. Viridi, for all her violent tendencies, loved nature quite fiercely. In her own way. Pit loved food, and Palutena - both in different ways, at least most of the time. And he was sure that Palutena loved him back - hopefully in the awesome way that meant maybe Pit could someday see her naked.

Not that he'd mind terribly if that weren't the case, or anything. _Okay, pay attention to the story, dummy!_ he scolded himself, feeling his face burn as he redirected his focus to the words in front of him.

It wasn't too bad, really - the spelling wasn't fantastic, and it was a little lacking in action for his tastes, and they used strange words from an unfamiliar language pretty often - like "kawaii," and "senpai," and "baka," which sounded kind of like those tasty snacks the humans made, and "oniichan" - and Palutena seemed... kind of _mean,_ and _why_ was he so chummy with Viridi again?

Still, the author made him sound pretty charming and dashing - that certainly was fine by him! Engrossed, he pored over a few short chapters, fixated on the rather realistic arguments he and Pittoo were having in the story. The way they teased, sniped, roughhoused, traded insults. Pittoo had Pit pinned to the ground during a training session, and was staring him down. His hand tenderly stroked Pit's face.

 _"wat if Mum comes in adn sees us?" Pit-chan stamered helpless, felling Pittoo's hard cock-_

 _GAHHHHH!_

Gagging, Pit spun away from the compactor again and dry heaved, trying to force the disturbing mental images from his head. _Eughhh, this is_ way _too much like all those stories about Zeus!_ he thought with a disgusted moan, shuddering and giving his head a hard shake.

He also wasn't too sure exactly who his "mum" was meant to be, but he had his suspicions, and he didn't like them. Not one bit.

 _Guhhh..._

Maybe it had been a bit too soon for this big of a leap into the world-wide web of fiction, or too bold a move to immediately search out tales about him and his peers - he'd flown too close to the sun in his excitement, and now he was paying for his recklessness with a roiling stomach and the urge to drink all the wine stored in the temple. Hell, it felt like his damn _brain_ was retching, and close to snapping in half. He wasn't sure _what_ he'd expected, but...

Had this been a test of Lady Palutena's, to see if he could handle himself responsibly and successfully with such temptation before him?!

 _Man, if that's the case, then I tanked that one hard!_ he thought miserably, massaging his throbbing temples with the heels of his hands. _Get it together, Pit! If you ever wanna have even the tiniest chance with her, you've gotta do better than this! Be worthy of her! Be a man!_

Despite his mental self-flagellation, he could still see the things he'd read about in his mind's eye - he could picture them as clear as the vibrant sunset visible through the windows right now, and hoped that they would at least fade away by dinnertime. Preferably much, much sooner.

Still... he could do this, right? Palutena had given him a gift! Maybe as a test, maybe not - but, either way, it was to help him better himself, broaden his horizons! Sure, he'd much rather be out training with his weapons right now than putting his brain through the wringer like this, but... but... she believed in him! He'd stick it out for _her_ , no matter what he endured!

His resolve strengthened, Pit spun back around and gripped the arms of the chair tightly, a steely glint in his eye as he faced down the screen - its glow seemed to mock him, and his lips curled in a snarl.

"Bring it on," he hissed lowly, clicking on the next story that crossed his path: _A Light to Pierce the Night_ by someone named _The O.G.O.L._ Idly, he wondered if Gaol had written this one - he hadn't gotten to know her terribly well, but maybe she was the artistic type. Humans could be full of surprises.

...Including, it seemed, pulling him out of his funk, as he pored eagerly over a gripping tale of him and Palutena taking down new and dangerous forces, growing closer and closer in the process... _very_ close, as the highly-detailed scenes of their relationship would reveal. _Oh, man, if only... well, I mean,_ he thought, rubbing his chin pensively, _I don't wanna have to go through another war for it to happen for us, but..._

 _But, uhh..._

 _Whooooooa, okay!_ As the scenes started to get steamier and steamier - and his shorts tighter and tighter - a red-faced Pit gulped and clicked the back button once more... though this time, he made sure to click the little button that made it easier for him to find later so he could read more when he had a bit more privacy guaranteed. Sure, Palutena was absorbed in her research right _now,_ but... how much longer would that take, anyway? For all he knew, she could pop in at a very inopportune moment, bending teasingly over his shoulder and asking him what he was reading - with her long, soft, green hair brushing his face and smelling so divine, and her perky...

 _Oh, geez. That story got me a little too worked up,_ Pit lamented to himself, wondering if maybe he should take a break, and a cold shower. Or perhaps work off some of the pent-up energy training, while there was still some light outside... really, he could've seen that one in Palutena's private stores, all too easily. Not that he'd dare _show_ her or anything, make her think he was having the ideas that... well, the ideas that he actually _was_ having right now...

 _Okay, just one more,_ he told himself, feeling a little hope restored in the face of finding something that _didn't_ break his brain in half or utterly confuse him - like a particular story he'd glanced at earlier, involving him dancing around a fire with a bunch of eggplants and tempura dressed in sensual clothing, singing a strange song about... what was it, again? _Humps, lady lumps... something really weird like that. Does that kind of song even exist?_

Scoffing and shaking his head, he pushed that particular story out of his mind - maybe for later? The humans came up with some _ridiculous_ tales to tell about them, that was for sure...

The next one to catch his eye bore the rather cute title _Call Me Daddy,_ by one _~*~Assbootaydes~*~._ To Pit, the name sounded like the incantation to a spell, but also dreadfully familiar...

 _Abandoned by those he held dearest, Pit must raise his child all alone... or does he? Mpreg, Catboy!Pit. plz r/r thx ^_^_

Though the description made him sad, the jumble of strange code-words and symbols at the end was all Greek to Pit. If he'd known he'd need some sort of translator to read human stories on a compactor...!

 _Not that I'll be asking Palutena about that,_ he decided firmly, as he began reading...

...And reading...

... _DID I JUST KILL HER? WHAT THE HELL?!_

Jaw hanging open like a snake's, Pit read on in horror as his written counterpart - who, for some reason, had cat ears and a tail - broke Palutena's neck and threw her off the edge of Skyworld, screaming about protecting the baby... which was apparently still in his belly, and why was the baby in _his_ belly? He didn't know _too_ much about the whole process, but he was _pretty_ sure that wasn't quite how it worked...

 _"H-Hades..." Pit mumbled shyly, a pink blush dusting his cheeks. He rubbed his big swollen fat belly, feeling Hades' gentle hands rub it too. His tail swished around, and his ears twitched. "Or should I s-say... D-Daddes?" He still remembered Hades bending him over so tenderly, making love to him in the Underworld. "It's yours, Hades. Ours."_

 _"Pit... it's beautiful," Hades whispered, eyes wide with amazement as they clasped hands. "I'm... I'm honored, Pit... oh! I felt him kick!"_

Feeling close to vomiting, Pit - eyes wide and twitching with horror - closed the window on the screen, backed away from the compactor, got up, and felt the room spin around him.

He let it spin. If he blacked out and just forgot all of this? Awesome! He was all for that happening!

...So why was he still conscious and thinking about the horrid, absurd things he'd read, then?

...Had he... passed the test? _There was_ totally _a test, that's what this_ all _was! It's gotta be!_

Yet, it didn't feel like he'd passed _anything._ It felt more like his faith was shaken. _Humans_ were capable of that sort of stuff?! He knew they weren't perfect creatures, but this sort of stuff seemed more like what Hades would write to screw with him, if Hades didn't have anything better to do.

 _But... if I can handle this, I can handle anything! Just... not tonight... no more..._

"Pit?"

With a startled yelp, Pit was snapped out of his thoughts by the much-closer voice of Palutena, poking her head into the room with a curious expression. "L-Lady Palutena," he stammered sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck and flashing her an awkward grin. The naughty story he'd read earlier came immediately back to mind, and his wings quivered - but at least his tunic hung over the front of his shorts. "H-heyyyyy, what's up?"

Raising an eyebrow at his peculiar behavior, Palutena gave him a cautious smile. "Oh, not much. I'm taking a break from my research, is all - I think it's about time we got dinner started, so if you're not busy, could you please help me with that?"

Pit nodded enthusiastically, feeling his stomach give an eager growl at the notion - at least the things he'd read hadn't _completely_ destroyed his appetite. "Yeah, sure thing! Sure thing..." He cast a wary glance at the compactor, which didn't go unnoticed by his goddess. She followed his gaze and sighed.

"Oh... I see what's going on now," she told him, looking back at him with a wry, cheeky grin. "You tried out the internet for the first time today, didn't you, Pit?"

"I... did, yeah," Pit confirmed slowly, the cringe on his face telling Palutena all she needed to know about how _that_ had gone. Though, she hoped he wasn't blushing for the reasons she _thought_ he might be...

"I probably should've warned you that parts of it get... very _weird_ at times," Palutena uttered contritely, sighing again and shaking her head. "But, I see that you must've found that out on your own, huh?"

With a self-deprecating little laugh, Pit nodded. Maybe it _hadn't_ been a test, after all? He wasn't about to ask her, though - he just hoped that if it _had_ been, he'd passed with flying colors in her eyes. "Ohhh, boy, did I ever! The humans write such _weird_ stuff, Lady Palutena... I mean, some of it seems kind of cool - do you remember Gaol? I think she wrote something, too!" The blush on his face growing more intense as he remembered _that_ particular tale, Pit didn't notice Palutena's own eyes widen with short-lived alarm at this, and went on: "But... man, I saw some things I wish I hadn't, I'll tell you that!"

Chuckling and slinging an arm around Pit's shoulders - making him stiffen at the contact - Palutena turned to guide him out of the room and down the hall, towards the kitchen. If he thought Gaol wrote the story she suspected he was talking about, well... he could go on thinking just that. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him, after all. He'd probably seen too much of Hades' work, anyway. Sometimes, it really bugged her that gods could regain physical form after complete obliteration. _Well, at least it beats what he was doing last time, though,_ she reasoned to herself.

Turning her attention back to Pit, she went on: "I can only imagine! Well, let's just go start dinner then, hmm?" The question was punctuated with a teasing ruffle of his hair that only made his face that much hotter. She giggled at the sight, remembering how... impressive he was when he got worked up. "I'm thinking pasta, tonight. And we can pop open some wine, too, and forget all about what you saw on the computer for a little bit."

"Ohh, so _that's_ what that thing is called..."

Still, as they continued chatting with each other and settled into the easy, familiar routine of preparing dinner for the evening, Pit couldn't help but think back to the things he'd read, and looked back over at Palutena, watching her bend over to get a large pot from the cabinet by the stove...

Heck, _anyone_ could write _anything,_ right? Maybe when he learned how to do it as well, he could pen a few saucy stories of his own to entertain himself, someday, while hoping he could experience the real thing in due time... though he wasn't quite sure he'd want to share the results with whoever could see them.


End file.
